It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
