Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
