Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
