You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
