I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
