I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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