The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
