Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
