It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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