my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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