i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
