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Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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