Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
