great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
