There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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