who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
