I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
