I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
pray to the hookup gods
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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