remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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