Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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