Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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