my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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