The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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