Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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