Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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