if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
