you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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