I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
