im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
