Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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