in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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