In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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