I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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