Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
