all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
