I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
