i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
