Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
