You just made me feel so damn special
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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