I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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