I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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