Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
