Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
