Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
