Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
