I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
