hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
