I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
