once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
