Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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