It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had to cum in my sink.
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