I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
