He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
