Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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