Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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