I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
