She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
