I hate your face
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
