Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
