Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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