i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
