I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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