When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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