Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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