I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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